哈里梅根为何搬离皇室？背后原因你我都不陌生......丨How to reconcile after...

哈里和梅根显然已经切断了与王室的联系，搬到了地球的另一端；妮可·基德曼在采访中曾公开表示，“我的孩子们讨厌我”，并为此苦恼不已；安吉丽娜·朱莉与父亲乔恩·沃伊特持有着截然不同的政治立场，关系再度紧张......

We hear about these high-profile estrangements and assume it's either media hype or that these family fallouts are unique to the rich and famous.

我们常常听到这些高调的“疏远”，但总认为这些事要么是媒体的一贯炒作，要么只会发生在富人或是名人身上。

'More than a quarter of people are estranged from a close family relative'

“超过四分之一的人表示他们自己与一位亲属疏远”

Karl A Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University found that 'Estrangement is strikingly and surprisingly common. He conducted a random survey of 1,340 individuals, which suggest that 'more than a quarter reported that they themselves were estranged from a close family relative'. He defined that as having no contact with the relative whatsoever. Causes of estrangement include choice of partner, the legacy of divorce, problematic in-laws, value differences and unmet expectations, as well as conflicts over money and inheritance.

康奈尔大学人类发展学教授卡尔·安德鲁·皮勒默发现，“疏远的普遍程度超出想象”。他对1340人进行了随机调查，结果表明，“超过四分之一的人表示他们自己与一位亲属疏远”。他将“疏远”定义为与该亲属没有任何联系。导致疏远的原因包括伴侣选择、离婚遗留问题、公婆问题、价值观的差异和期望值的不满足，以及金钱和继承纠纷。

It's a painful thing.

这是一件痛苦的事情。

不管原因是什么，家庭破裂是非常痛苦的。当下，人们似乎会在社交媒体上晒出生活的方方面面。但与家人的疏远，仍是一件人们羞于启齿的事情。

'Until they spoke to me, or one of our interviewers, most had discussed it with almost no one. So one of the strongest effects of estrangement is the extent to which people feel isolated, alone and ashamed, especially in parent/child estrangement and to a lesser degree for siblings,' says Pillemer.

皮勒默教授表示：“在他们与我或我们的采访者交谈之前，大多数人几乎没有与任何人讨论过这个问题。因此，疏远现象最显著的影响是人们会感到无助、孤独甚至是羞愧，特别是在与父母或子女疏远的情况下，与兄弟姐妹疏远的程度则会相对较轻。”

Estrangement is painful because it combines a number of things that we humans find incredibly difficult. First, there is prolonged uncertainty. With estrangement people are left hanging, they don't know the next step or if there will be one. Social studies show people often prefer a negative outcome to  prolonged period of not knowing.

疏远是痛苦的，因为其中夹杂着很多我们觉得异常困难的事情。首先，要面对长期的不确定性。在一段疏远的关系中，人们不知道下一步该怎么办，也不知道是否会有进一步的发展。社会研究表明，比起面对长期的不确定性，人们更倾向于一个确定的结果，哪怕是消极的。

Second, there is also the phenomenon of 'ambiguous loss', where the person is psychologically present, but physically absent. You might stop speaking to a close family member but they're still in your thoughts.

其次，有一种叫做 “模棱两可的损失”的现象，即人尽管不在眼前，却依然占据了你的思维。你可能不再和曾经亲密的家人说话，但他们仍然萦绕脑海。

What's more, the pain is compounded by the fact that people tend to ruminate on the rift. One man who decided to call his brother after almost 25 years of separation said he woke the next morning and thought, 'This is the first time in 25 years that I haven't woken up and thought: 'I haven't spoken to my brother in more than two decades'.'

更重要的是，人们往往会反复咀嚼裂痕，这加剧了伤痛。一位在分离近25年后决定给哥哥打电话的人说，他第二天早上醒来后想：“这是25年来，我第一次没有醒来后想：‘我已经20多年没有和哥哥说话了’。”

疏离现象对任何一方都是痛苦的。人们常常认为被动接受结果的一方更痛苦，因为他们会有一种无力感。然而即使是那些挑起分裂的人，通常也会被一种纠缠不清的感觉所困扰，认为有些事情是错误的或不完整的，他们会质疑自己是否做出了正确的决定。

Key triggers for reconciling

和解的触发因素

当你认为你的时间是有限的，你就更有可能采取措施。

There's an unprecedented surge in people reaching out to reconcile in the pandemic. 'I've been inundated with accounts from people of the estranged sibling who is suddenly back in a family Zoom call or email chain,' says Pillemer.

在新冠疫情期间，主动和解的人数空前激增。皮勒默教授表示：“越来越多的人告诉我，疏远的兄弟姐妹突然回到家庭Zoom或开始互相发送电子邮件。”

解决问题的另一个关键触发因素是人们意识到他们不想重复自己原先的家庭模式。

One woman told her son: 'You should get on with your sister better.' In response, he scoffed: 'What, the way you are with your sister?' She called her later that week.

一位母亲告诉自己的儿子：“你应该和你姐姐好好相处。”对此，他反问道：“你又是怎么和你自己的姐妹相处的呢？”因为这件事，她在那个星期晚些时候给自己的姐妹打了电话。

那么，如何才能减少痛苦，正视这段关系，进而愈合这段关系呢？

We start out again! 

First, understand why you want to reconcile.

首先，了解你为什么要和解。

A counsellor can be helpful, in this respect. Not every relationship is worth saving. Some relationships should never be rekindled, for example, where they are abusive, at least not without protection and professional help.

在这方面，心理咨询师可以提供帮助。并不是每段关系都值得挽救。有些关系永远不应该被修复。例如，这段关系中存在虐待性的行为，至少在没有保护和专业帮助的情况下，它不应该被重新开始。

Second, accept your part in the estrangement. 

第二，接受你在疏远中的角色。

If you're serious about mending a relationship you need to be willing to look at the part you played in the estrangement. What things might you have done that helped cause it? Write about it. Try taking the other person's point of view and write about past events from their perspective.

如果你对修补关系很认真，你需要看看你在疏远关爱中扮演的角色。你可能做了什么事情导致了关系的疏远？试着从对方的角度出发写下它，从他们的角度来写过去的事情。

Thirdly, don't expect an apology. 

第三，不要期望对方道歉。

We need to let go of the idea that the other person will accept our view, and that extends to the idea that the other person should apologise. People develop very powerful narratives and they don't give up on them easily. Many recommended letting sleeping dogs lie, rather than going over past grievances. When sisters Tamara and Leah reunited after a long estrangement they rejected the need to process past events. Leah says: 'I don't remember either one of us apologising. We just started from the present.'

我们要放下对方会接受我们的观点的想法，这也延伸到对方应该道歉。人们会浮想联翩，不断对故事进行演绎。很多人建议不要哪壶不开提哪壶，要向前看。当姐妹塔玛拉和莉亚在长期疏远后重逢时，她们拒绝提起过去发生的事情。莉亚说：“我不记得我们中的任何一个人道歉过。我们只是从现在开始。”

但即使是失败的和解，尝试一下总没坏处。即便没有成功，也是自己内心情绪的一种释放。至少，我们不会再因为没有尝试而后悔。之后就是学着与裂痕和平共处，继续前行。作为被割裂的那一方，也会更明白彼此的想法，心态将更平和。毕竟终其一生，我们都在试着与他人共处，与自己和解。

来源：卫报

编辑：商桢

实习生：徐夏童

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