不要试图找到完美的伴侣，没有这样的人

On this Spot, Sadhguru addresses a question with far-reaching consequences in life – to marry or not to marry? And what are the fundamentals of a successful marriage? Read on to find out.

萨古鲁提出了一个在生活中影响深远的问题：结婚还是不结婚？什么是成功婚姻的基本要素？在本文中来寻找答案吧。

Sadhguru: One of the questions that I am asked frequently is how to choose the right person for companionship and marriage. Trying to find the perfect partner is expecting the impossible. One reason why marriage can be tumultuous is because you have to share so many things in this relationship. The issue is neither marriage, nor is it about a man and a woman, husband and wife. In any situation where you are forced to share a lot with other people, you will face similar problems.

Sadhguru：我经常被问到的问题之一是如何选择一个合适的人作为伴侣。试图找到完美伴侣，是在期待不可能之事。婚姻中之所以会充满争吵，是因为人们在这段关系中要分享很多东西。问题既不在于婚姻，也不在于男人或女人、丈夫和妻子。你在任何被迫需要和其他人分享很多东西的情景中，都会面临类似的问题。

Trying to find the perfect partner is expecting the impossible.

试图找到完美伴侣，是在期待不可能之事。

In a marriage or cohabitation, you usually have to share the same space, the same everything. Consequently, every day, you are treading on each other’s toes in one way or the other. In other relationships, if someone is overstepping the boundaries, you can create a distance. Here, you do not have a choice. The greater the overlap, the greater the possibility of friction.

在婚姻或者同居生活中，你总是需要共享同一个空间。所以，每天，你们都在这事那事上“互相踩脚”。在其它的关系中，如果某个人越界了，你可以拉开一段距离。但是在婚姻关系中，你没有选择。重合的地方越多，摩擦的可能性就越大。

There are many couples who are living beautifully together, who are profoundly in love, and who are fantastic companions to each other. At the same time, this relationship can assume the ugliest forms. One contributing factor is that generally, no one gets to know the ugly things that are happening behind closed doors. If someone on the street steps on your feet, you will react in a different way, because everyone is watching. But in this relationship, no one is watching, so anything can happen.What is needed to make a marriage successful is not the perfect person – there is no perfect person on the planet. What you need is absolute integrity. Whether someone is watching or not, you should act in the same way. Who you are should not change depending upon where and with whom you are. Once you have established your way of being, interacting with another person can be a joy. Another aspect is that if you try to extract something out of each other, and you or the other person does not get what he or she wants, there will be constant conflict.

有很多伴侣很美妙地生活在一起，彼此深爱，互为极好的伴侣。同时，这段关系也有面目狰狞的时刻。一个助长因素是，外人永远不知道门后的“家丑”。如果有人在街上踩了你的脚，你的反应会不同，因为大家都在看着。但是在婚姻关系中，没有外人在看，所以任何事情都可能发生。婚姻成功的关键不在于找到什么完美对象：这个星球上也没有完美的人。你所需要的是全然的诚实。不管有没有人在看，你都应该一样。无论你在哪里或你与什么人在一起，你的为人都不应该改变。一旦你树立好自己存在的方式，与他人的互动就可以充满着快乐。另一方面，如果彼此之间想要索取，只要你们之中有一个人没得到自己想得到的，那么矛盾就会一直发生。

What you need is absolute integrity.

你所需要的是全然的诚实。

You as an individual have to evaluate if this is just a passing interest, or if there is a strong need to have someone by your side. Not everyone has to get hitched, nor does everyone have to live alone. This is something that individuals have to look at for themselves. You should only get married if there is such a strong need in you that without a companion, you cannot live, and you believe marriage will be a stepping stone for your wellbeing. There is nothing wrong with getting married. But if you get married without you having the need to do so, then it is a crime, because you will cause misery to yourself and at least one other person. We would advise everyone to get married if the human race was in danger of disappearing, but the human population is exploding. If you do not reproduce, you do humanity a great service. Leaving that aside, the important thing is this – not everyone needs to get married.

作为一个独立的人，你需要仔细考虑“需要有一个人在身边”是一时的兴趣还是一种强烈的需求。不是每个人都必须要有个伴，也不是每个人都必须要独身。这是每个人需要自己考量的事情。你只应该在这种情况下结婚：内心有一种没有伴侣自己就不能活的强烈需求，并且认为婚姻是通向幸福的奠基石。结婚本身没有任何错。但是如果你并没有这种需求却也去结婚，那就是一种罪行，因为你会给自己，和至少另外一个人带来痛苦。如果人类面临灭绝的危险，我们会建议大家都去结婚，但是现在人口数量正在爆炸中，如果你不制造下一代，那你是给人道事业帮了大忙。暂且不谈这个，重要的事是：并不是每个人都需要结婚。

When someone asked Gautama the Buddha, “Should I have a companion?” he said, “It’s better to walk alone than to walk with a fool.” I am not that cruel. I am saying: if you find a similar fool, then something can be worked out. But based on your need – not because of what society is saying, not because others are getting married, not because you worry about being alone.

当人们问佛陀，“我应该有一个伴侣吗？”佛陀说，“与其与愚人同步，不如独自前行。”我没有这么冷酷。我说，如果你找到一个和你差不多的“愚人”，那么有些事情是可以一起解决的。但是这得来源于你真正的需求，而不是因为社会的声音，不是因为别人都结婚了，也不是因为你担心独自一人。

Companionship or marriage does not solve existential problems. It just takes care of some of your needs.

伴侣关系或者婚姻并不会解决关于“存在”的问题。它只是解决了一些你的需求。

What is your intention for your companion? It should not be something like, “If I’m getting lost, let me have another person who gets lost with me.” Companionship or marriage does not solve existential problems. It just takes care of some of your needs. If you have strong physical, emotional, or psychological needs, then you should look for a companion. You should not get married for social and financial reasons alone.

你对于你的伴侣有什么意图？它不应该是：“如果我迷失了，让另一个人陪我一起迷失。”伴侣关系或者婚姻并不会解决关于“存在”的问题。它只是解决了一些你的需求。如果你有强烈的身体、情感和心理需求，那么你应该寻找一个伴侣。你不应该仅仅为了社会和经济原因而结婚。

Another point to remember is that you get married because you need support. This support may be physical, emotional, psychological, social, or financial – whatever it may be, you do not get married out of charity for the other person. You get married because you need certain things. If the other person is willing to provide them to you, and you live in gratitude, then there will not be too much friction.

另一点需要记住的是，你结婚是因为你需要支持。这种支持可以是身体上的、情感上的、心理上的、社会上的，或者经济上的，无论什么原因，你不应该出于同情而和别人结婚。你结婚是因为你的确需要某些东西。如果另一个人愿意为你提供这些，而且你带着感激而活，那么就不会有那么多的摩擦。

Do not look for the ideal man or the ideal woman – there is none. If you understand that it is your needs that make you seek a companion, find someone who is reasonably compatible with you. If you accept, respect, love, include, care for, and take responsibility for each other, it can be a beautiful relationship.

不要寻找理想的男人或者理想的女人，没有这样的人。如果你明白是出于自己的需求而要寻找一个伴侣，就找一个能和你比较合拍的人。如果你们彼此接纳、尊重、相爱、包容、关心，并为彼此负责，那么这可以是一个美妙的关系。