真正的强大，是敢于面对那个脆弱而不完美的自己（附视频&演讲稿）
有多少人能够正视自己的弱点，接受它，并且坚信即使这样的自己不完美，但也值得被爱？比起把自己伪装、硬撑得完美起来，接受自己的不完美，并承认那才是一切创造力、勇气和革新的发源地，才是快乐的最简单方式。
布芮尼 · 布朗2010年在TEDxHouston的演说：「脆弱的力量」(The Power of Vulnerability)是TED网站上最受欢迎的演讲之一，已超过一千五百万人次观看，并引起广大的回响。布芮尼的著作都是畅销书，除了《脆弱的力量》这本最具代表性的著作之外，她还着有《不完美的礼物》及《让自己更好》I Thought It Was Just Me(but it isn't)。布芮尼目前与丈夫及两个孩子定居德州休斯敦。
演讲者，作为一个心理学研究者，在她过去6年的学术研究中，她本来是想知道如何能够帮人们摆脱脆弱感，然而却发现，脆弱和不完美才是一切美好事物的源泉。
Wide Awake Katy Perry - Teenage Dream: The Complete Confection
那我就这么开始吧：几年前，一个活动策划人打电话给我，因为我当时要做一个演讲。她在电话里说： “我真很苦恼该如何在宣传单上介绍你。” 我心想，怎么会苦恼呢？ 她继续道：“你看，我听过你的演讲，我觉得我可以称你为研究者， 可我担心的是，如果我这么称呼你，没人会来听，因为大家普遍认为研究员很无趣而且脱离现实。” 好。然后她说：“但是我喜欢你的演讲，就跟讲故事一样很吸引人。
我想来想去，还是觉得称你为讲故事的人比较妥当。” 而那个做学术的，感到不安的我脱口而出道：“你要叫我什么？” 她说：“我要称你为讲故事的人。' 我心想：”为什么不干脆叫魔法小精灵？“ 我说：”让我考虑一下。“ 我试着鼓起勇气。我对自己说，我是一个讲故事的人。
我是一个从事定性研究的科研人员。我收集故事；这就是我的工作。 或许故事就是有灵魂的数据。或许我就是一个讲故事的人。于是我说：“听着， 要不你就称我为做研究兼讲故事的人。”她说：“哈哈，没这么个说法呀。”所以我是个做研究兼讲故事的人， 我今天想跟大家谈论的-- 我们要谈论的话题是关于拓展认知-- 我想给你们讲几个故事是关于我的一份研究的， 这份研究从本质上拓宽了我个人的认知， 也确确实实改变了我生活、爱、工作还有教育孩子的方式。
我的故事从这里开始。当我还是个年轻的博士研究生的时候， 第一年，有位研究教授对我们说： ”事实是这样的， 如果有一个东西你无法测量，那么它就不存在。“ 我心想他只是在哄哄我们这些小孩子吧。 我说：“真的么？” 他说：“当然。” 你得知道我有一个社会工作的学士文凭，一个社会工作的硕士文凭， 我在读的是一个社会工作的博士文凭，所以我整个学术生涯都被人所包围， 他们大抵相信生活是一团乱麻，接受它。
而我的观点则倾向于，生活是一团乱麻，解开它，把它整理好，再归类放入便当盒里。 （笑声） 我觉得我领悟到了关键，有能力去创一番事业，让自己-- 真的，社会工作的一个重要理念是置身于工作的不适中。 我就是要把这不适翻个底朝天每科都拿到A。这就是我当时的信条。我当时真的是跃跃欲试。 我想这就是我要的职业生涯，因为我对乱成一团，难以处理的课题感兴趣。我想要把它们弄清楚。我想要理解它们。我想侵入那些我知道是重要的东西把它们摸透，然后用浅显易懂的方式呈献给每一个人。
所以我的起点是“关系”。因为当你从事了10年的社会工作，你必然会发现关系是我们活着的原因。 它赋予了我们生命的意义。就是这么简单。 无论你跟谁交流工作在社会执法领域的也好，负责精神健康、虐待和疏于看管领域的也好我们所知道的是，关系 是种感应的能力-- 生物神经上，我们是这么被设定的-- 这就是为什么我们在这儿。所以我就从关系开始。
下面这个场景我们再熟悉不过了， 你的上司给你作工作评估， 她告诉了你37点你做得相当棒的地方， 还有一点--成长的空间？（笑声） 然后你满脑子都想着那一点成长的空间，不是么。这也是我研究的一个方面， 因为当你跟人们谈论爱情， 他们告诉你的是一件让他们心碎的事。当你跟人们谈论归属感， 他们告诉你的是最让他们痛心的被排斥的经历。当你跟人们谈论关系，他们跟我讲的是如何被断绝关系的故事。所以很快的--在大约开始研究这个课题6周以后-- 我遇到了这个前所未闻的东西它揭示了关系以一种我不理解也从没见过的方式。 所以我暂停了原先的研究计划，对自己说，我得弄清楚这到底是什么。它最终被鉴定为耻辱感。耻辱感很容易理解，即害怕被断绝关系。
有没有一些关于我的事如果别人知道了或看到了， 会认为我不值得交往。我要告诉你们的是：这种现象很普遍；我们都会有（这种想法）。
没有体验过耻辱的人不具有人类的同情或关系。没人想谈论自己的糗事，你谈论的越少，你越感到可耻。滋生耻辱感的是一种“我不够好.'的心态--我们都知道这是个什么滋味： ”我不够什么。我不够苗条，不够有钱，不够漂亮，不够聪明，职位不够高。“而支撑这种心态的是一种刻骨铭心的脆弱，关键在于要想产生关系，我们必须让自己被看见，真真切切地被看见。
你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。所以我思考着，这次是轮到我用我的标尺击溃它的时候了。我要闯进去，把它弄清楚， 我要花一年的时间，彻底瓦解耻辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么运作的，然后我要智取胜过它。所以我准备好了，非常兴奋。 跟你预计的一样，事与愿违。（笑声） 你知道这个（结果）。我能告诉你关于耻辱的很多东西， 但那样我就得占用别人的时间了。但我在这儿可以告诉你，归根到底 --这也许是我学到的最重要的东西-在从事研究的数十年中。我预计的一年变成了六年，成千上万的故事，成百上千个采访，焦点集中。
有时人们发给我期刊报道，发给我他们的故事 -- 不计其数的数据，就在这六年中。我大概掌握了它。
我大概理解了这就是耻辱，这就是它的运作方式。我写了本书，我出版了一个理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲 -- 它其实是，如果我粗略地把我采访过的人分成具有自我价值感的人 -- 说到底就是自我价值感 -- 他们勇于去爱并且拥有强烈的归属感 -- 另一部分则是为之苦苦挣扎的人，总是怀疑自己是否足够好的人。
区分那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人和那些为之而苦苦挣扎的人的变量只有一个。 那就是，那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人相信他们值得被爱，值得享有归属感。 就这么简单。 他们相信自己的价值。而对于我，那个阻碍人与人之间关系的最困难的部分是我们对于自己不值得享有这种关系的恐惧，无论从个人，还是职业上我都觉得我有必要去更深入地了解它。所以接下来我找出所有的采访记录找出那些体现自我价值的，那些持有这种观念的记录，集中研究它们。
这群人有什么共同之处？ 我对办公用品有点痴迷，但这是另一个话题了。我有一个牛皮纸文件夹，还有一个三福极好笔，我心想，我该怎么给这项研究命名呢？第一个蹦入我脑子的是全心全意这个词。这是一群全心全意，靠着一种强烈的自我价值感在生活的人们。所以我在牛皮纸夹的上端这样写道，而后我开始查看数据。
事实上，我开始是用四天时间集中分析数据， 我从头找出那些采访，找出其中的故事和事件。主题是什么？有什么规律？ 我丈夫带着孩子离开了小镇，因为我老是陷入像杰克逊.波洛克（美国近代抽象派画家）似的疯狂状态，我一直在写，完全沉浸在研究的状态中。下面是我的发现。这些人的共同之处在于勇气。
我想在这里先花一分钟跟大家区分一下勇气和胆量。勇气，最初的定义，当它刚出现在英文里的时候 -- 是从拉丁文cor，意为心，演变过来的 -- 最初的定义是真心地叙述一个故事，告诉大家你是谁的。所以这些人就具有勇气承认自己不完美。他们具有同情心，先是对自己的，再是对他人的， 因为，事实是，我们如果不能善待自己，我们也无法善待他人。 最后一点，他们都能和他人建立关系，-- 这是很难做到的-- 前提是他们必须坦诚，他们愿意放开自己设定的那个理想的自我 以换取真正的自我，这是赢得关系的必要条件。
他们还有另外一个共同之处那就是，他们全然接受脆弱。他们相信让他们变得脆弱的东西也让他们变得美丽。他们不认为脆弱是寻求舒适，也不认为脆弱是钻心的疼痛 -- 正如我之前在关于耻辱的采访中听到的。他们只是简单地认为脆弱是必须的。他们会谈到愿意说出'我爱你'，愿意做些没有的事情，愿意等待医生的电话，在做完乳房X光检查之后。他们愿意为情感投资，无论有没有结果。他们觉得这些都是最根本的。
我当时认为那是背叛。我无法相信我尽然对科研宣誓效忠 -- 研究的定义是控制。然后预测，去研究现象，为了一个明确的目标，去控制并预测。而我现在的使命即控制并预测却给出了这样一个结果：要想与脆弱共存就得停止控制，停止预测于是我崩溃了 -- 其实更像是这样。它确实是。我称它为崩溃，我的心理医生称它为灵魂的觉醒。
灵魂的觉醒当然比精神崩溃要好听很多， 但我跟你说那的确是精神崩溃。然后我不得不暂且把数据放一边，去求助心理医生。让我告诉你：你知道你是谁当你打电话跟你朋友说：“我觉得我需要跟人谈谈。你有什么好的建议吗？“ 因为我大约有五个朋友这么回答： ”喔。我可不想当你的心理医生。”我说：“这是什么意思？“ 他们说：”我只是想说， 别带上你的标尺来见我。“ 我说：”行。“
就这样我找到了一个心理医生。我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次见面 -- 我带去了一份表单 上面都是那些全身心投入生活的人的生活方式，然后我坐下了。她说：”你好吗？“ 我说：”我很好。还不赖。“ 她说：”发生了什么事？“ 这是一个治疗心理医生的心理医生， 我们不得不去看这些心理医生， 因为他们的废话测量仪很准（知道你什么时候在说真心话）。所以我说：“事情是这样的。我很纠结。” 她说：“你纠结什么？” 我说：”嗯，我跟脆弱过不去。
而且我知道脆弱是耻辱和恐惧的根源是我们为自我价值而挣扎的根源，但它同时又是欢乐，创造性，归属感，爱的源泉。 所以我觉得我有问题，我需要帮助。“ 我补充道：”但是， 这跟家庭无关，跟童年无关。“ “我只需要一些策略。” 谢谢。 戴安娜的反应是这样的。我接着说：“这很糟糕，对么？” 她说：“这不算好，也不算坏。” “它本身就是这样。” 我说：“哦，我的天，要悲剧了。”
果然发生了，但又没有发生。大概有一年的时间。你知道的，有些人当他们发现脆弱和温柔很重要的时候，他们放下所有戒备，欣然接受。（我要声明）一，这不是我， 二，我朋友里面也没有这样的人。对我来说，那是长达一年的斗争。是场激烈的混战。脆弱打我一拳，我又还击它一拳。 最后我输了，但我或许赢回了我的生活。
然后我再度投入到了我的研究中，又花了几年时间真正试图去理解那些全身心投入生活的人， 他们做了怎样的决定， 他们是如何应对脆弱的。为什么我们为之痛苦挣扎？ 我是独自在跟脆弱斗争吗？ 不是。
这是我学到的：我们麻痹脆弱 -- （例如）当我们等待（医生）电话的时候。 好笑的是，我在Twitter微博和Facebook上发布了一条状态， “你怎样定义脆弱？ 什么会让你感到脆弱？“ 在1个半小时内，我收到了150条回复。 因为我想知道大家都是怎么想的。不得不请求丈夫帮忙， 因为我病了，而且我们刚结婚； 跟丈夫提出要做爱； 跟妻子提出要做爱；被拒绝；约某人出来； 等待医生的答复； 被裁员；裁掉别人-- 这就是我们生活的世界。我们活在一个脆弱的世界里。 我们应对的方法之一 是麻痹脆弱。
我觉得这不是没有依据 -- 这也不是依据存在的唯一理由，我认为我们当代问题的一大部分都可以归咎于它 -- 在美国历史上，我们是欠债最多，肥胖，毒瘾、用药最为严重的一代。问题是 -- 我从研究中认识到 -- 你无法选择性地麻痹感情。你不能说，这些是不好的。 这是脆弱，这是悲哀，这是耻辱，这是恐惧，这是失望，我不想要这些情感。我要去喝几瓶啤酒，吃个香蕉坚果松饼。我不想要这些情感。
我知道台下传来的是会意的笑声。别忘了，我是靠“入侵”你们的生活过日子的。天哪。你无法只麻痹那些痛苦的情感而不麻痹所有的感官，所有的情感。你无法有选择性地去麻痹。当我们麻痹那些， 我们也麻痹了欢乐，麻痹了感恩，麻痹了幸福。 然后我们会变得痛不欲生，我们继而寻找生命的意义，然后我们感到脆弱，然后我们喝几瓶啤酒，吃个香蕉坚果松饼。危险的循环就这样这形成了。
我们需要思考的一件事是我们是为什么，怎么样麻痹自己的。这不一定是指吸毒。 我们麻痹自己的另一个方式是把不确定的事变得确定。宗教已经从一种信仰、一种对不可知的相信变成了确定。我是对的，你是错的。闭嘴。就是这样。只要是确定的就是好的。我们越是害怕，我们就越脆弱，然后我们变得愈加害怕。
这件就是当今政治的现状。探讨已经不复存在。对话已经荡然无存。有的仅仅是指责。你知道研究领域是如何描述指责的吗？一种发泄痛苦与不快的方式。我们追求完美。如果有人想这样塑造他的生活，那个人就是我，但这行不通。因为我们做的只是把屁股上的赘肉挪到我们的脸上。这真是，我希望一百年以后，当人们回过头来会不禁感叹：“哇！”
我们想要，这是最危险的，我们的孩子变得完美。让我告诉你我们是如何看待孩子的。从他们出生的那刻起，他们就注定要挣扎。当你把这些完美的宝宝抱在怀里的时候，我们的任务不是说：”看看她，她完美的无可挑剔。“而是确保她保持完美 -- 保证她五年级的时候可以进网球队，七年级的时候稳进耶鲁。那不是我们的任务。 我们的任务是注视着她，对她说， “你知道吗？你并不完美，你注定要奋斗，但你值得被爱，值得享有归属感。”
这才是我们的职责。给我看用这种方式培养出来的一代孩子，我保证我们今天有的问题会得到解决。我们假装我们的行为不会影响他人。不仅在我们个人生活中我们这么做，在工作中也一样 -- 无论是紧急救助，石油泄漏，还是产品召回 -- 我们假装我们做的事对他人不会造成什么大影响。我想对这些公司说：嘿，这不是我们第一次牛仔竞技。我们只要你坦诚地，真心地说一句：'对不起，我们会处理这个问题。“
但还有一种方法，我把它留给你们。这是我的心得：卸下我们的面具，让我们被看见， 深入地被看见， 即便是脆弱的一面； 全心全意地去爱， 尽管没有任何担保 -- 这是最困难的， 我也可以告诉你，作为一名家长，这个非常非常困难 --带着一颗感恩的心，保持快乐哪怕是在最恐惧的时候哪怕我们怀疑：”我能不能爱得这么深？ 我能不能如此热情地相信这份感情？ 我能不能如此矢志不渝？“ 在消极的时候能打住，而不是一味地幻想事情会如何变得更糟，对自己说：”我已经很感恩了，因为能感受到这种脆弱，这意味着我还活着。“
最后，还有最重要的一点， 那就是相信我们已经做得够好了。因为我相信当我们在一个让人觉得“我已经足够了”的环境中打拼的时候 我们会停止抱怨，开始倾听，我们会对周围的人会更友善，更温和，对自己也会更友善，更温和。
这就是我演讲的全部内容。谢谢大家。
TED最受欢迎的演讲NO.4
So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, 'I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer.' And I thought, 'Well, what's the struggle?' And she said, 'Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant.'
And I was like, 'Okay.' And she said, 'But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller.' And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, 'You're going to call me a what?' And she said, 'I'm going to call you a storyteller.' And I was like, 'Why not 'magic pixie'?'
I was like, 'Let me think about this for a second.' I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, 'You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller.' And she went, 'Ha ha. There's no such thing.'
So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.
And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, 'Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.' And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, 'Really?' and he was like, 'Absolutely.' And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the 'life's messy, love it.' And I'm more of the, 'life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box.'
And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, 'Lean into the discomfort of the work.' And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the headand move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.
So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is --neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here.
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one 'opportunity for growth?'
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?
The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this 'I'm not good enough,' --which, we all know that feeling: 'I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.' The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.
My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it. I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belongingand the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better.So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,and just looked at those.
What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were 'whole-hearted.' These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kidsbecause I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.
And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word 'cor,' meaning 'heart' -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity,they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.
The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable,nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, 'I love you' first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown --
And it did.
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you, it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, 'I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?' Because about five of my friends were like, 'Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist.'
I was like, 'What does that mean?' And they're like, 'I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick.'
I was like, 'Okay.' So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, 'How are you?' And I said, 'I'm great. I'm okay.' She said, 'What's going on?' And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.
And so I said, 'Here's the thing, I'm struggling.' And she said, 'What's the struggle?' And I said, 'Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help.' And I said, 'But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit.
'I just need some strategies.'
Thank you. So she goes like this.
And then I said, 'It's bad, right?' And she said, 'It's neither good nor bad.'
'It just is what it is.' And I said, 'Oh my God, this is going to suck.'
And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.
And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No.
So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, 'How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?' And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- We are the most in-debt ... obese ... addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God.
You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. 'I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.' That's it. Just certain.The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, 'Wow.'
And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,our job is not to say, 'Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh.' That's not our job. Our job is to look and say,'You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.' That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... a recall. We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... 'We're sorry. We'll fix it.'
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, 'Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?' just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, 'I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.' And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, 'I'm enough' ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
That's all I have. Thank you.