【英文小鲜】(40) 古老的英国笑话
古老的英国笑话
学外文的过程，枯燥乏味居多，读笑话能给人带来轻松愉快的一面。大学时读的是非英文系，但专业老师有"眼光"，不仅强调英文的重要性，还从英文系请来高手给当时已然深具26英文字母坚实基础的我们补课。记得老师每堂课的尾声都要读一段英文笑话，他有个原版的笑话集子，老师中英交替边读边讲，我们似懂非懂半听半猜，倒是也有欢声笑语。虽一知半解，可假装的明白那也是明白。
记得有一则笑话，说某英国鬼子租了一对老夫妇一间房。租的房间在楼上，老夫妇住楼下。房客白天工作晚上酒馆买醉深夜才回，又穿大头皮靴，醉汉脱鞋叮咣砸地，惊得楼下不能入睡。二天清早，老汉对醉汉晓之以理动子以情: 老人觉轻，客官您昨晚巨靴两声巨响，弄得俺们老两口醒来无法再次入睡。买醉晚归是客官的自由，但睡前能否轻声除靴，多多拜托不要惊扰我俩睡眠。那房客明理，加上这时酒醒，迭声对不起，保证不再重犯。可二天晚上酒醉归屋，依旧脱鞋上床，刚砸下一只鞋，想起了老汉嘱咐，于是深怀着歉疚轻轻放下了第二只鞋。心说今晚至少改了一半错误，聊胜于无，明晚当记住彻底改过，坚决做到两鞋都能悄无声息。
但老汉那头可是遭了大罪。第一只鞋"叮"响后，老汉嘀咕着要让年轻人改正错误真是不易，就一直等那第二只的"咣"声，完事后可以入睡。可等一宿这第二只鞋也没落下，老头"今夜无眠"气得牙关直响。第三天大早，老汉告知年轻人，等他那第二只鞋一宿没等来，是一宿没睡。年轻人又是认错又赔不是，发誓一定痛改恶习。可第三晚醉归，醉汉依然"叮"了第一声，响声后酒也醒了，直骂自己狗改不了吃屎。这时楼梯上响起了老汉的脚步声。房门被一脚踹开，老汉大声斥道: 上帝啊，请你现在立马扔下那第二只鞋!
这段笑料人们传笑多了，"drop the other shoe"还成了英文成语，意思就是"等着意料中的倒霉事情发生"。
去年回国，买了不少影视碟片，其中还有中国相声。有个段子说的就是这一段，但掐头去尾把英国原创改成了中国故事。这不太合适。中国笑话多如牛毛浩如烟海，实在没必要偷外邦夷人(有人还辩说这故事本就出自中国，是英人偷汉子)。其实，笑话幽默中外相通处很多，无非是把人际关系以及黄色性事拿来作双关语调侃取乐。
举例说，英国有个最古老的笑话是这样的一个谜语:
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
中文翻译可以是: 男人腰间有个挂物，总想插那个以前经常被插的孔，请问挂物是什么?
(如果觉得"at a man's thigh"译成"腰间"不很贴切，可以用更达意的替代)
看官先别嫌这谜语太黄，胆小了不敢看可能错过好东西。但也别太过大胆，直奔主题就猜那玩艺儿。诸位想仔细了再猜不迟，因为好的谜语，看似明显的答案大凡都不对。
正确答案是钥匙。没有猜着的人对生活要注意观察。在西方早期，男人的钥匙都挂腰间，这谁都知道。只是男人腰间还挂有其它物件，语意双关由此而生。在中国，钥匙传统的挂法是挂在胸口，不在腰间。所以中国的双关语是: 胸口挂钥匙开心又开锁。但现代的中国，除了孩儿们的钥匙挂胸开心，男人腰间挂物也多了一柄钥匙。
这条腰间挂物的谜语最早收在英国一本1526年的幽默集子里，据说故事的来源是法院当庭对一个小屁孩问了上面这个问题，屁孩儿即答(a snappy response): 钥匙。
在中国类似的"腰间挂物"佳话也是自古有之。话说大清第一才子纪晓岚年少时钟情府内丫环。纪面上知书达理，实是满肚子淫思邪念。丫环聪慧好学，习练文墨后也喜欢和纪晓岚吟诗作对戏弄耍闹。下面就是这古代老流氓和丫环小MM相互调情，滚动联对中的腰间挂物深具中国魅力:
纪昀: 海棠
丫环: 山药。
纪昀: 嫩海棠。
丫环: 老山药。
纪昀: 带叶嫩海棠。
丫环: 连毛老山药。
纪昀: 一支带叶嫩海棠。
丫环: 半截连毛老山药。
纪昀: 斜插一支带叶嫩海棠。
丫环: 悬挂半截连毛老山药。
纪昀: 鬓边斜插一支带叶嫩海棠。
丫环: 腰间悬挂半截连毛老山药。
纪昀: 我爱你鬓边斜插一支带叶嫩海棠。
丫环: 我怕你腰间悬挂半截连毛老山药。
中国文化博大精深真不是浪得虚名，就这腰间挂物也比那英式玩笑来的更加韵味十足。要不是为了学英文，谁稀罕知道英国佬的钥匙插哪个孔。
附: Drop the other shoe (由着记忆瞎编，您凑合着看)
A young man rented an upstair room in a two-storey house owned by an old couple. When he moved in, young man was warned to be quiet because these two old people were light sleepers who lived right under the room he rented. The first evening, young man came back late, after being drunk at a local pub. He undressed for bed and dropped his heavy shues on the wooden floor, making two huge clonk sounds. Those two clonk sounds surely awoke the old ones downsatirs.
The next morning, old man approached young man and told him what those two thundering clonks did to them, in an unhappy but still polite manner. Being told the harm he did, young man apologiezed for his misbehavior and promised it would not happen again.
However, that evening young man came back as late as the day before, after being drunk at the same local pub. While he started undressing for bed and dropped his first heavy shoe with one clonk sound, he remembered all of sudden what old man told him in the morning. In realizing the mistake done, he decided to manage to get the other shoe off in silence, hoping doing so would at least reduce the harm by half.
The third morning, old man approached the young man again in anger, telling young man that he had not slept at all since the first clonk sound as he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which young man never did. Young man was so embarrassed and took the full blame, swearing that it would not happen again.
On that third evening, young man came back, still as late as the day before, after being drunk again. He started undressing for bed and dropped his first shoe with one clonk sound. This time before he fully realized the mistake and figured out what to do, he heard steps on the stairway. The door was kicked open and here came in old man, shouting in his fury: for Heavens sake, drop the other shoe, now!
（图片来源网络）