过去这一年的爱情‖文/JediShane

过去这一年的爱情

看到公众号今天的主题，我突然想说说我自己的感情经历。她也关注了这个公众号，我希望她能看到。

内容：

我想谈谈我的她。

I want to talk about her .

她是印尼人，叫OKtra，第一次来中国的时候，只会说：“对不起我不会说中文。”

Her name is Oktra ,she s from Indonesia . And she can only say "sorry I don't speak Chinese "when she just came to China .

我和她在一个交友软件上认识，聊了十多天，我们似乎很有话聊，从早到晚，这个状态只持续了十几天，后来渐渐没话说，断了联系了，听闻一位前辈说过：“刚认识的人聊得太多，后来便会无话可说。” 他说得没错。

I met her in a social app , we were talking day and night in ten and more days .but there were only ten and more days c after that , we stop talking to each other .

在几个月后，她突然找我：“hello.” 我回了一句淡淡的hi，再也没下文了，我也忘记了这次简短的谈话。后来我才知道，她那次找我的几分钟前她收到了南京医科大学的录取通知书，是在我的城市。

Few months later , she said hello to me , but I just replied her about hi .no more words after that .months later I knew that it's just few minutes earlier before she texted me , she got the study offer from Nanjing medical university,in my city.

两个月后在地铁上百无聊赖的我机械式地刷着朋友圈，我看到了她的发的“Hello, NMU"配图是南京地铁的指示牌。

Two months from that short talk ,I was checking the wechat moment during the boring trip on the metro ,I saw her moment " hello NMU ",and the pic is about the metro sign of Nanjing.

我看到配图，如晴天霹雳惊雷乍响，内心翻起了波涛，坐在座位上脑子一片空白反反复复检查了好几遍，就是在南京！ 不晓得别的城市的地铁是怎样的，南京地铁的辨识度非常高，尤其是海蓝色的一号线，我一眼便认出来了。

I saw these pics,I was shocked , like saw a elegant in the metro! I can't think in 5 whole minutes, I checked that pic for 2 minutes , I checked all the details ! I was pretty sure it's Nanjing !

我立马找她，质问她，为什么事先没告诉我。

“well 

I texted to her right the way , I asked her why she didn't tell me earlier.

She said :well, surprise then .

---

过去的一年，我和我的前女友还在一起。在跨年的时候分了手。元旦是我生日，都没有一句生日快乐。

In the passed year, there is another girl in my life , we broken up int he end of 2018 , the New Year's Day is my birthday, I didn't even got a happy birthday from her .

前一天还很好，到18年最后一天的晚上，所有联系戛然而止，再也没有一句问候，我才看明白在这段感情中我是多么卑微。

Any contact stoped in that day , suddenly , we weren't fight . Till that , I saw how cheap I am in her life .

我不去找她的话，她永远不会来找我的，如果我像她对我这样子去对待她，我们可能早就散了。在这段感情中我看不到她需要我的样子， 可能我们早就没有感情了，一直都没有人提出，说起来那天之后，我突然以上帝视角看明白了过去的一年我是多么的愚蠢。

If I don't find her first, she ll never find em ! If I treat her like how she treated to me , we might not have that much stories .i can't see she needs me . Maybe I don't love her anymore in someday but just don't want to admit it . After we broken up, I can see how stupid I was in the passed year .

我们在17年底认识，说来都是一场缘分，我们两个人同时独自去看一场电影，居然就坐在旁边，散场后我鼓起了勇气上前说了hi.

We met in the end of 2017, it's all about the fate ,we went to the cinema alone , and her seat were just next to mine , after that movie , I said hi .

直到三月份我们在一起了，她一直告诉我她不相信爱情，她的生活中也不需要男人，在这段感情中我看不到她需要我的样子---去商场，我会替她拉开门，她会自己开另一扇门进去，在电影散场，她会一手抓着包一首抓着手机试图穿上外套，她那狼狈的样子令我很尴尬。

Till the March , we fall in love , but I can't see she needs me , she kept telling me she never trust love ,and she doesn't need a man in her life . When we going to the mall , I hold the door for her , she would open another door by herself ,after we watched a movie , her hands were taken by the phone and bag , she tried her best to wear the coat, she made me so embarrassed.

我们三月十一号在一起，二十五号她向我提了分手，原因是我那三天每天都要去找她，吃太饱了想看她，今天的月亮比昨天圆了想和她一起看看。要知道，在一起的短短十四天，我其中有十天在出差。

We became a couple in 11th if March , and first time we broken up in 25th of March , the reason is I asked her out in the continued three  days .i asked her out cuz I ate too much , I asked her out cuz the moon  getting bigger .

But , in the 14days that we were couple, there were 10days I was in the business trip .

在一起后，她有想看的电影从来都是自己一个人去看，想吃的东西都是一个人去吃...因为这个我和她争论有点激烈，她坚持认为自己从小到大很独立，改不了，最后有点不愉快，我当晚买了高铁票赶回南京，没想到只是感动了自己换来一场分手。

After we became the couple , she went to the cinema alone when she want to watch a movie , she eat alone when she want something to eat .we had quite huge arguments about this in the broken day , she s a little mad at me .i took the railway back to nanjing in that night trying to make her happy, but in her mind , I'm just a joke ， and it bring me a broken up .

记得在此之前，有一天她在老家常州，我突然想念她，我开了一个多小时的高速到了常州，给她惊喜。换来的是一句“何必呢？”

I remember one thing happened before that, that day she was in her hometown, I miss her , so I drive alone on highway to give her a surprise, what she said was just an OK .

当我真的爱一个人，眼睛真的只是摆设，看不见东西。我还是不肯放弃，再后来过了几个月，我们的感情渐渐愈来愈好，又一次在一起，这次持续到了跨年，比上次好，持续了有一个月。分手没有因为什么。

When I really fall in love with someone , my eyes are broken too .i can't see the real world .

I didn't give up after we broke up , and few months later , we are getting more closed ,finally we became a couple again .this time we broken up at the end of 2018.

以前看过一段话：真正的失望呢，没有吵吵闹闹，没有一哭二闹三上吊，在一个普普通通的周日下午，阳光明媚，收拾好行李，穿上自己最喜欢的衬衫，头也不回地离开。

我也是这种状态，这期间梦见过她一次。始终还是忍住不去联系她。不爱了就是不爱了，看清楚自己的位置，我也真的心疼自己。

I read a sentence when I was a teenager:what is the real disappoint, you don't fight , you don't trying to let her notice you by fighting with her , in a normal sunny Sunday , you packed your package, wear your favorite shirt , and leave her and never looking back .

Now I understand it , cuz I'm doing the same thing .oh btw, I had a dream about her few days earlier, but I kept it , I didn't text her .

I know my feeling , there is no love between us anymore , I see what I am , I see who I am to her . And I'm really pity myself.

---

在我和前女友身上发生的一切，她，oktra都看在眼里。她曾说过我不值得，她曾说过sorry.

我，说来很扯淡吧，“女朋友”从来不愿意和我出来，约她出来总是问为什么。

Oktra see everything what happened between me and my ex . She said sorry for me , she said it's not worth .its like a bull shit that I tell it :my "gf" never like to go out with me , every time I asked her , she always ask me why .

“hey，明天看电影吧？”

“为什么？”

“hey，明天一起吃个饭吧？”

“为什么？”

三个字能把人的心，寒透。

"Hey, let's go watch the movie !"

"Why?"

"Hey , would you like to have dinner tonight ?"

"Why?"

Just three letters , it's it's hurt .

今年的第一场雪，我照例还是得到了一句“为什么”。

Oktra约我出来看雪，她来自赤道国家，第一次看见雪，后来我突然想起来请回答1988里面有一桥段：电台里说，今年下第一场雪的时候，约你喜欢的人出来吧。

The first snow of this winter , I went out with oktra,I suddenly understand the drama "1988" :ask the person you like in the first snow !

我突然看到了这一年我错过了什么，我经历了什么。我真有种去协和医院捐掉我的眼睛的冲动。

Suddenly I saw what I missed in the pass year !

在前女友的一句句为什么的背后，陪我过生日，陪我过节假日，陪我爬山，陪我散步，陪我拼图，陪我买菜到我家给我做饭吃的是Oktra，尽管她做饭真的很难吃！ 方便面都煮得很难吃！ 我母亲很喜欢很宠爱的是Oktra.说我是渣男吧，我当时爱着另一个女孩，从来没想过oktra对我的感情，我忘记了，oktra也是个女孩儿。

Under the why why why why why

It's oktra who celebrated my bday,it's Oktra who climbing with me , it's Oktra who walking with me , it's Oktra who buying dishes and cook with me , although she's really a suck cook .it's Oktra that my mom like more .

You can call me a suck man a play boy , I was loving someone else , I never thought we would have this feeling too, I forgot Oktra she s also a girl .

我生日收到了一个罐子，oktra，她花了近半年的时间，每次和我在一起有好的事情都写在小纸条上，集成满满一个罐子，送给我作生日礼物。那天和朋友喝酒喝到三点，回来看这个“回忆罐头” 看到天亮，是冬天的天亮。她写到了我们第一次出来的尴尬，她写到了我们第一次去爬山有多累，她写到了她第一次看见我和前女友在一起她有多难过，她写到了她第一次跟我回家有多紧张——甚至让我不要关门，她好随时逃跑，因为我可能是坏人。很难想象一个大男人在半夜又是哭又是笑。突然明白了这个世界，突然明白了我这一年错过了什么。

I got a can as my bday gift , Oktra , she spend half an year , wrote many papers about the memories what we did together ,it's full of that can , I'd like call it "the memories can "

That day I drank with friend till 3 am , I read all the papers after I back home .she wrote how embarrassing that we first time met , how nervous that first time she stayed in my apartment --she even asked me to open the door , just Incase she can run at the first second if I want to murder her .its hard to imagine a man laughing and tearing at deep night . Suddenly I see the real world , suddenly I understand what I missed in the passed year.

Hey，Oktra，等了这么久，很幸苦吧，不如，接下来换我来陪你吧。

Hey Oktra , you must be tired , what about let me do the next steps for our life ?

 I love you .